We continue our ‘Twinter is Coming’ #fakewesteros series (which has been very successful so far — thank you!) with everyone’s favorite dwarf: Tyrion Lannister. Yes, he’s one of the Lannisters and he’s really short, but he also speaks with a snarky kindness and carries an insatiable wit. Please welcome our well-traveled friend, who has been to the Wall and back, and now here!
First things first — FOLLOW him on Twitter!
If someone called you “bastard” instead of dwarf, would you take it as an insult?
Tyrion Lannister: Yes, only my father can call me a bastard. On a big enough pile of gold I can be tall as any man. But, take away my last name and I would be jousting on pigs within the month.
How would you describe your relationship with your father?
Tyrion Lannister: Mutual distrust and animosity peppered with the occasional short or bald jape. The man is a monster, which may be why he finds it so easy to call me one. However, blood is blood. And if Jaime can stand being inside Cersei so often, then I can stand a glass of wine with my father every now and then.
What made you decide to become Tyrion? Do you identify with his character or was it just a fun escape?
Tyrion Lannister: Like many readers, Tyrion was easily my favorite character in the books. When I didn’t see a Tyrion account I decided to give it a shot. The opportunity to essentially ‘speak’ as my favorite character was irresistible. I certainly didn’t think I would still be tweeting 11 months later, but the community of Fake Westeros is full of some incredibly talented and funny people. I’m looking forward to many more years of Tyrion clogging up twitter feeds.
Also, logistically: I am quite a bit taller but quite a bit poorer as well.
You once shouted in the Eyrie: “When I was 12 I milked my eel into a pot of turtle stew. I flogged the one-eyed snake, I skinned my sausage. I made the bald men cry into the turtle stew, which I believe my sister ate. At least I hope she did.” Could you elaborate on that experience, using PG-friendly words?
Tyrion Lannister: I was a lonely and confused child. Like any 12 year old boy I was curious, and there was a certain cook with large bosoms who showed me enough compassion and skin that I became infatuated. Of course, Cersei caught wind of my crush, and had the poor girl working in a stable for some lesser lord within a week. I needed revenge, for despite being a dwarf I am still a Lannister, and such things come naturally to us.
Yet, I only had two skills as a 12 year old: tumbling and strumming the one string harp. So I sought my revenge the best way I could: I summoned Rosie Palm and her five sisters and did what had to be done. I still won’t touch turtle stew to this day, and I’m pretty sure if won’t be served at the Eyrie for a long time.
What was it like slapping Joffrey around?
Tyrion Lannister: Sore on the wrist, light on the conscience and heavy on the personal satisfaction.
FOLLOW Tyrion Lannister here: @Tyrion_Halfman